ALIGN ~ Expectations and CFS/ME

Most often, we didn’t actually fail at all. More likely, we anticipated unrealistic conditions and asked too much of the situation, of people and/or of ourselves. Chances are, it was a strategic failure, which we then probably perceived as our own failure.

Where do expectations come from?

Sometimes we aren’t even aware we have expectations or indeed where they came from. For example, we may adopt or take on others’ expectations, particularly our parents as our own, without critiquing or considering their relevance or suitability to ourselves and our unique lives. Often this happens in childhood and is really a natural part of learning, growing up and developing as a young human being. Typically, we question all these things in adolescence – some expectations will be ‘outed’ others will remain beneath our awareness, slip by unnoticed, until they are not!

Other times, we knowingly, deliberately and intentionally adopt expectations for our own unique reasons and motivations.

Expectations can (not always) represent an attempt to wield some control over one’s life or drive ourselves in a specific direction. They may help us exert some degree of predictability into our lives for many reasons, including essentially tricking ourselves into thinking we know how a situation is going to go and therefore potentially feel a little safer in it.

Essentially expectations lay conditions upon situations, people or ourselves and can deny the actually reality of what is happening in the present moment. They can stop us experiencing the now, have us tied up in the ‘prediction game’, preventing us from accepting things how are they are, and then making choices and changes in accordance with this reality.

They can be joy suckers or a whip we pick up and use to berate, judge and humiliate ourselves with when we don’t meet them. If you catch yourself saying a sentence starting with ‘I should …’ then maybe you really shouldn’t!

Expectations and CFS/ME

In my experience, the vast majority of people living with CFS/ME are Type A personalities who are very driven, have crazy high (and unrealistic) expectations of themselves (and frequently others), are people pleasers and feel that what they do is rarely ‘enough’. Me included! They push themselves relentlessly to meet their ideals, their expectations which can often be rather rigid. If this is resonating with you, chances are there is something in it for you. If this is activating for you, chances are there is something in it for you.

Behaviours associated with this personality expression are one the main contributors of the development of CFS/ME. Behaviours include over-riding body (not resting when tired), pushing self relentlessly to do more, not resting sufficiently or taking down time, an over-active brain and always moving on to the ‘next thing’ without really acknowledging or appreciating the last ‘thing’ or achievement. These behaviours and this approach can impede your recovery.

The behaviours, attitudes, beliefs, ways of thinking and being in the world that got you here (including expectations), are most likely NOT going to be the things that get you out of the situation you are currently in. It is true – you are going to need to find another way of being in the world. This may sound a little scary. You are not changing who you are fundamentally, but you are changing how you are in the world – your expression of your most wonderful true soul self.

Expectations and Hopes, Dreams and Visions

Take a moment to connect with an expectation you might have or even the word expectation and notice what it feels like to you. Think of a few words to describe the feeling of ‘expectations’. To me, it feels rigid, imposed, judgey, hard, heady/cognitive, future focused and inflexible.

Right now take a moment to connect with hopes, dreams, or visions you have for yourself. What words describe them? For me, they are lighter, more accepting, hearty, experience the joy of them in-the-now and inspiring. Which feels better to you? Expectations or hopes/dreams/visions? Which ones would support you to heal the most?

My suggestion is to reflect on the expectations you hold for yourself particularly around healing and recovery. Then ask yourself, are they a helpful or a hindrance? Any expectation that is a hindrance and sabotages your recovery – throw it out. Replace it with something that helps you recover, that makes you feel better about life, that feels lighter to you in all ways.

While you are recovering, I encourage you to lower the expectations you are unwilling to throw out. Make it a game, see how low you can go. It will reduce the stress you place yourself under and potentially facilitate you becoming more present and responsive to what is happening now.

Healing happens in the present moment – not next year, in the future not last year in the past, but now. Now is the best place to be to help you heal. You may find yourself appreciating the small moments the small wins for what they represent and take delight in them.

Anything that lightens your load is a good thing and can only help your recovery.

Healing happens in the present moment. Not last year, not next year but here and now.

ASK YOURSELF

• What can let go of to lighten your load?
• Do you have any preconceived notions about what healing looks, feels like, the time it takes?
• Do you have any expectations that are hindering your healing and recovery?
• What expectations could you adopt that will help your recovery?

 THOUGHTS

• Connect with your hopes, dreams and visions for yourself as often as possible. When you do it,
• I am where I am and that is OK. Change is constant.
• By accepting where I am right now in this moment, I allow the flow and possibility of moving gently towards my dreams.

If you are ready to dive into your recovery and healing and equip yourself with essential knowledge, tools, strategies and insights to aid this transformation to the land of the vibrantly healthy, to stay well, to thrive, to prosper and love your life and who you are, check out my comprehensive and personalised Whole, Healed & Healthy ™ or Reclaim Regulation™ 

programs for CFS/ME/LC and Chronic Stress.

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Anaya Smiley © 2024. No part of this work can be reproduced in any way without the written and explicit permission of Anaya Smiley.

This blog is not medical advice and should not be considered so. Before making any changes, always consult your primary physician first.